What happens later?

When I started entertaining the idea of becoming a cyborg I did a lot of reading and even soul searching...tons of it. That's how I started reading blogs in the first place. In fact, blogs have made a huge impact on me. I've also met people. I started going to the HLAA meetings which I never even knew existed until my Audiologist told me about it. I've been hearing impaired (in both ears) for over 21 years and never knew of HLAA. It's a great resource. I really wish we were still meeting over the summer but we are not. I like having access to all these people who have been before me...they are already cyborgs. I REALLY enjoy hanging out with cyborgs...it gives me peace and hope and SUPPORT!!!! I wish I could talk to someone everyday but I can't because people have lives, you know unlike myself. I guess part of me feels like...well, I can't even explain it...where are the words? (Taping finger on desk...thinking, thinking some more) Lets try it this way... I guess by talking to Susan and Laurie and other people in the blogging world...I feel CONNECTED and that this is going to happen! Despite the fact that my surgery is only a month (and a week) away, it really seems like light years. I don’t know, I think talking to others who have been through it or are about to go through it makes me feel like I’m involved in the process and that I’m keeping myself busy. It is exciting talking to others and to learn about their experience. There is another side to all of this…I think I’ve been deprived too. I never really had anyone else to talk to about the frustrations of being hearing impaired. In fact, I didn’t even think my own frustrations where real until I read about other people having the same feelings as me! It’s like this amazing realization! Now I feel like I have an outlet a place to share all the things that I’ve had to hold back b/c I didn’t really have anyone to turn to. Maybe I should just buy a punching bag? :-)

So, of all the questions I have asked other cyborgs one still remains...what happens later? What happens 10 or 15 years from now when the technology is better? What do I do? I know some people already have "older" models and the processor is backward compatible. But what if something REALLY spectacular comes out later? It's a hard thought to reconcile with. I guess it's one of those things that can never really be answered. It's all a gamble and I'm just hoping and praying that I win the jackpot! I can compare this issue with other gadgets like computer and cell phone…definitely cell phones (lets not forget my cell phone addiction). For example I just bought a Blackberry Curve 8330 and they are about to release the Blackberry Bold which is going to much better than the phone I have. It sucks knowing that something better is going to be out there then what I have. Although I have to admit I’m pretty happy with what I’ve got…but if I see the Bold up close and personal I may get jealous. The same thing with computers…you can buy a computer today and then a month from now something much better and faster will be available. It’s frustrating. Now, if this happens with the implant I may turn into the Hulk b/c it will seriously be frustrating since the “COMPUTER” will be IN my HEAD and it WIL NOT and CAN NOT (without surgery) come out! I do not have the power to take it out. That’s another thing that it hard to grasp. With the hearing aids…I take it out…I control it...ME ME ME! However with the implant not so much…in fact, not really at all. The only power I have is to turn it on and off but the computer part of it does everything else. Talk about scary! Okay, I’m getting too deep here...time to move on to something else!

Believe it or not I think my thought process is healthy. I must come to terms with all of this the best that I can. Despite all the stuff I have mentioned I still want the implant and I have no reservations about getting it. I’m more excited that I am nervous. The things I’m nervous about has more to do with how I will respond to the implant. I'm nervous about the acivation b/c I know things will sound like...well thinks will sound YUCKY. In the mean time I just have some questions and thoughts to reason out. The “What if” questions are always the worst and can never really be answered. I am aware of that. All I know is that July 22nd seems like light years away so…maybe my questions will make for a good post and perhaps keep me occupied until then. :-)

I hope everyone at the HLAA Convention is having a blast. I can’t wait to read all about it.